I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Actions speak louder than pants.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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