I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
