Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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