One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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