dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
