I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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