My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
