Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
