I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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