apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
whose parrot is this?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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