I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
