also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
