I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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