Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
