how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
