i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
