I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My feet surprised me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
