I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
