this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
