At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
