I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
