i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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