I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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