Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
