So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish they made helmets for livers.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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