i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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