I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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