last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
