I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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