I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
