I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
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