I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
