I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
