Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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