id be glad to
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
