Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
