I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
