I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
