it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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