textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
