FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
