my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
did i walk over a car last night?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
