i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
