"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
