the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
