he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
