I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
