this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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