I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
