Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
