i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
